As parents who likely have memories from twenty years ago of an existence without email or Internet, it can seem like a brave new world when it comes to evolving technologies. For our kids, technology is their comfort zone, but we don’t want it to become their whole world. We wonder how to set limits on the limitless Internet and protect our kids from harmful messages, especially when it comes to interacting with other young people online.
Bullying, formerly the domain of private spaces like the locker room, has gone public and even viral in the form of cyberbullying. Author Signe Whitson is an expert on bullying, and in her latest guest post she sets forth some invaluable tips for parents to help them monitor their kids’ online activity and prevent their children from becoming victims of cyberbullying. I am thrilled once again to welcome Signe as a guest contributor at Reel Mama.
What Parents Can Do to About Cyberbullying
by Signe Whitson
I remember with clarity the day my daughter “discovered”
the internet. She was just three
years old and playing hostess to the son of one of my college friends, visiting
from out of town. As
the two toddlers were breezing through the kitchen, my friend’s son, Jack,
stopped short and suggested enthusiastically, “Let’s play computer!”
I laughed, thinking how cute it was going to
be to watch the little ones sit and pretend to type on my laptop. Then, before my amazed eyes, Jack
navigated successfully to pbskids.com and introduced my daughter to the wonders
of the world wide web.
Now, at not-quite-nine, I am still amazed
everyday at how natural and intuitive technology usage is to my daughter and to
all of her peers who have grown up with computers, cell phones, tablets, and
texting as part of their everyday lives.
I am also aware, however, that things like Internet safety, cyberbullying and “netiquette” may not register on her radar the same way they
do on mine.
When she was very young, I worried about the unknown: online predators who could try
to trick her into revealing personal information so that they could cause her
physical harm. Now, in her tween
years, I know that “stranger danger” is still a threat, but I spend more of my
time worrying about the known: frenemies from her daily life who may
use taunting texts, humiliating social media posts, and viral videos to cause
her emotional harm. It’s no wonder
that when she begs me (at least once daily) for a cell phone, I feel chills run
up and down my spine.
Talk About Safe Sites
In her pre-literate days, I could rely on the
fact that the only way my daughter could get from one website to another was by
me typing in the correct website address for her. Likewise, I knew that she would be content staying on PBS
Kids, Disney, or Nick Jr. Websites.
Those days are long gone.
Flashing icons, interesting links, viral videos--there are so many ways
that children and tweens are tempted into visiting and viewing
less-than-innocent content online.
Without wanting to scare my daughter out of
ever going near a computer again, I do talk frankly with her about the fact
that predators exist in cyberspace (I have explained this in terms appropriate
for each stage of her development, but have never sidestepped the subject) and
that it is important for her to safeguard her personal information while
online.
Define
“Safe Sharing”
I’m so glad we had the talk about safe sites
when we she was young, because it has helped us make a seamless transition in
her tween years to talking about what is—and what is never, ever, ever, never—safe
to share online.
First and
foremost, our rule is to go photo-free.
The network news is chock-full of stories about kids who have gotten
themselves into friendship-destroying, reputation-shattering, college
admission-sacrificing, future career-jeopardizing, family-humiliating
situations because of photos they have posted online or via text. For parents who don’t want to take as
hard of a line on photos, at minimum, I recommend making sure that the photos
their kids share are never suggestive or sexual in any way.
Next on my list of words of wisdom to my
technology worshipper: What you post is permanent. Once you share something online, it is
out of your hands where it goes, who will forward it, who will see it, and how
it can potentially be used. When Queen Bees and Wannabeees author,
Rosalind Wiseman called technology a weapon of mass social destruction, she was
not exaggerating; according to the CDC, 97% of middle schoolers are bullied
while online.
So, as much as
my daughter might think she can trust her BFF with her deepest, darkest
secrets, I remind her of the importance of never posting personal information
that a BFF-with-a-grudge could at some point distort and use against her.
Set
Clear Guidelines on Etiquette
When the internet first became a powerful
force in the lives of kids, the term “netiquette” was coined to describe
ethical ways to interact while online. Though no equivalent phrase has yet emerged for cell
phone use (cell-iquette??), it is important to talk to kids about how to treat
others while texting. For example,
I pose these questions to my daughter (only to an occasional groan,
surprisingly):
·
- Would you say the words you are texting to a person’s face?
- What would your parents think if they read this text?
- Could this message you are sending cause hurt or embarrassment to me, my friends, my family, or anyone else?
- Can your text be taken out of context and used to hurt you or someone else?
- If you received a threatening or rumor-spreading text message, what would you do?
- How does technology make it easier for you to say something unkind to someone?
Cell phones and social networking sites are
prime tools of bullying among young people, so being clear that texts, phone
calls, and social media sites are never to be used as tools of gossip,
exclusion, embarrassment, etc. is essential. Likewise, parents are wise to encourage their kids to tell
them about any incidents of cyberbullying that they are aware of, even if they
are not directly involved.
By
keeping a dialogue going, parents can position themselves to help a child who
may be being bullied online and can establish a set of standards for how their
own kids must behave online.
Know
the Lingo
Are you familiar with these text-friendly
acronyms?
· LOL
· JK
· BRB
· ATM
Texting has a language all of its own. Laugh out Loud (LOL), Just Kidding
(JK), and Be Right Back (BRB) are common enough, but while most adults that are
parents today take for granted that ATM stands for a bank’s Automatic Teller
Machine, kids can tell you that it is more likely to refer to their being “at
the mall.” Online lingo is
cryptic, clever, and intentionally elusive. The over-30 crowd may never know all of the acronyms, but
the more parents educate themselves about the lingo their kids are using, the
better able they are to monitor technology use and abuse.
Know
Your Child’s Passwords
Am I a helicopter parent? I don’t really think so, though I will
own the accusation if necessary, for my firm belief is that kids need clear
guidance, limits, and expectations when it comes to using technology. In my own home and in the workshops I
do, I always advise parents that when the time comes to allow their child
access to a cell phone, Facebook, YouTube, or any other piece of today’s
technology, they would not be overstepping their bounds to let their kids know
that they maintain the right to access their child’s accounts at any time.
The relative freedom of cell phones and
social media sites tempt even the most trustworthy and responsible kids to engage
in risky behavior, so it is important for parents to let their kids know
upfront that they will be reading texts, reviewing MMS messages, scrutinizing Facebook
posts, viewing YouTube uploads and providing any other kind of oversight that
underscores the importance of safe technology usage by kids.
While I advise parents to know their kids’
passwords, it is equally important that parents tell their kids not to give
their passwords to friends—like, ever.
Trusted BFF one day, sworn enemy the next; when kids give up their
passwords, they are giving up control of their personal accounts, their online
identity, and potentially their good reputation.
Lastly, if your child is using a social
networking site such as Facebook, ask to “friend” them or, at minimum, ask
another trusted adult to do so.
While kids may initially resist this as “spying,” when parents present
this guideline as coming from a place of love and concern for their child’s
well-being, the young person’s sense of paranoia often melts away.
Parental
Controls
And one final note to wrap up my thoughts on
the topic of keeping kids as safe as possible when it comes to using today’s
social technology. In
response to a conversation about cyberbullying recently, I heard someone
bluster, “I don’t know what the big deal is--all of those sites and gadgets
have parental controls on them.
Parents should just use them and be done with it.”
If only it were that simple. I agree with his basic advice about
activating parental controls: adults should use them. However, I caution all parents not to rely on them as a sole
means of safety for kids. Parental
controls are limited…and we all know how good kids can be at testing
limits! Automated safety features
are a great first line of defense—best fortified by discussion, guidelines,
standards, knowledge, interest, and a whole lot of support for kids.
Signe Whitson, LSW is a national educator on bullying, mother of two daughters, and author of Friendship & Other Weapons: Group Activities to Help Young Girls Aged 5-11 to Cope with Bullying. For workshop inquiries, please visit www.signewhitson.com,"Like" Signe on Facebook, or follow her on Twitter @SigneWhitson.
This is great information. I always needed help with this. Thank you for sharing
ReplyDeleteGood advice here. When you read about cyber-bullying it's usually all about how to defend yourself against it. I like that you mentioned the other side of the coin with your kids doing the bullying. You can really hurt other people's feelings just by being careless and not meaning to do harm.
ReplyDeleteGreat advice! I know I use urban dictionary if I see something from one of my kids or their friends that I don't get. It's been super useful.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice you've shared here. Lots of time, parents feel helpless when it comes to this subject and the kids themselves are not aware of how damaging it could be to those who they are bullying.
ReplyDeleteThank you for all the advice!
ReplyDeleteI really want to tell my kids NO to computers until they are 20. I guess I can't do that though, huh?! ;)
Great tips. My daughter is only a toddler but her future use of the Internet scares me. There have always been bullies and predators, but today there are more ways to exploit and harm children than my parents could have ever dreamed of when I was a kid.
ReplyDeletegreat post and great info. thanks for sharing
ReplyDeleteYou are given the very interesting information by this post.Thanks a lot.
ReplyDelete